Disguised Blessings

Some days I am so very angry without knowing why.  Did the cashier absolutely have to inspect each item as she scanned them?  Seriously!!!  I think I hit every long red light in town. All because wow, I had five whole hours that were MINE MINE MINE!!  I could be doing some sort of crafty thing that I won’t finish.  I could catch up on a favorite series on tv.  But no, I decided I wanted to go do some shopping to make my lot better.  Big plans tend to get the best of me.  I want to make yogurt from scratch, so I go on a tangent and buy all the goodies to make yogurt.  Then I don’t make/have the time to actually follow through.

Tonight, I watched as my new walker toddled from one side of room to the other attracted to whatever shiny thing caught his eye on the way.  He went through a range of emotions from ha ha that’s fun to ooh that makes me so mad!! And just ping ponged.  He didn’t stop and dwell, he just moved on.

My husband came and sat next to me and we just played with our little walker making him laugh, making us laugh.  The tickle monster was in full force.  Ping ponging to the next shiny thing that caught our eyes too.  It was fun and the slow cashier and multiple red lights slowly faded into the past where they belonged.  This is what’s important.  Right here and right now.

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I write because

I write because it gets all the muddled thoughts in my head out and in clear black and white.  By getting those thoughts out in black and white, I can scrutinize them and identify if they were accurate, are they mine or am I reflecting someone else.

I write because I can lose myself in my story.  I can spin my characters and abuse them as I please.  I can arrange days and months.  I can have people meet or not.

I write because it eases my soul.

Who am I? Why am I here?

Who am I is a hard question to answer. Every day I change.  At one time I was a teenage daughter who fought with her mom.  Then became an adult and fought for my grandmother’s life, and lost.  With that I lost the smart aleck, I am invincible and the world needs to listen to me attitude and became a wimpy insecure woman who did her job very well as a workaholic with no personal life.  The attempts to have a personal life failed due to lack of recognition of self.  Bad health raised it’s ugly head and smacked me a hard one.  I recovered and decided that enough was enough and started on the adventure to rediscover the invincible superwoman I once was, who had my own opinions.

Today, I am a wife to the most fabulous man, my perfect man, (who I don’t tell this)  Now don’t get me wrong, just because he’s perfect, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his own flaws so to speak.  He’s perfect for me.  My exact opposite who has different opinions and we learn to work together with our different opinions.  Am I a perfect wife?  No.  I do the best I can, and hope it’s enough.

Today, I am a mother of a 16 month old child who is 12 months adjusted due to the hurry for him to meet the world.  I fight for him.  I play with him, I worry about him, getting up to check if he’s breathing multiple times a night.  I don’t get upset over midnight feedings, because it means he is okay.  Am I a perfect mother, I don’t think there is such a thing.  I’m a work in progress.

Today I work full time, I strive for balance between my husband, child and work.  Sometimes, I am lopsided.

I am here, because maybe just maybe, my story can help.  We all strive to be the best we can be, whether that be a worker, a spouse, a parent or a child even.